Press the tofu for 10 minutes to remove excess moisture, then crumble it into small pieces with your hands or a fork.

Heat the sesame oil in a large skillet or wok over medium-high heat until it shimmers. Add the crumbled tofu, hoisin sauce, wine, five-spice powder, and soy sauce, stirring every 2 minutes for about 10 minutes until the tofu is dry and resembles browned minced meat.

Bring a pot of water to a boil and blanch the leafy vegetables for 3 to 4 minutes until tender, then rinse with cold water and set aside. Cook the noodles in the same boiling water according to package directions until al dente, reserving a few tablespoons of the cooking liquid before draining.

Toss the drained noodles with neutral oil in individual serving bowls to prevent sticking.

Whisk together the soy sauce, sesame paste, sugar, five-spice powder, Szechuan pepper, chili-garlic oil, sesame oil, garlic, and hot noodle broth in a separate bowl until smooth.

Divide the sauce between the bowls, then top with the minced tofu and blanched greens. Garnish with peanuts and scallions, and serve warm, tossing everything together with a splash more broth if the sauce feels too thick.